why is is that the things that hurt me most are those that cannot harm me physically..? i can bear being knocked, cut, scratched, hell, even bitten… i can still smile at those things despite the pain… but, damn, say something to me and i get affected, really badly… my physical tolerance may be high, but my emotional one is just plain crap… call me onion-skinned, call me emo, call me dramatic, call me OA, i accept that… because that is what I am, and I cannot change that… in the company of these people who I call friends, I can wear that old mask, the one with the perpetual smile… but when it comes to you, my mask falls off, and I become vulnerable… I thought I can take it whenever you talk about them, but I realize that I can’t… knowing about your past, about the people you loved before me, I realize they’re in a different level from mine… I’m sorry, but I can’t help but compare… just who am I when compared to them… I am nothing… sometimes I wish that we never drifted apart, that I should have been the one you fell in love with from the start… I may be selfish, but please let me be like this for now… this is just wishful thinking… the past is over, what is important is the present… but why is it that your past still affects me till now… even though i wasn’t a part of that past, thinking that you spent years with someone else, it hurts me like hell… i’m sorry for being irrational and selfish… but what hurt me most is the thought that you have not forgotten them, that they will always remain a part of who you are… i know you meant nothing bad about that, but it was those words that stabbed me like a knife… and a big knife at that… <sigh> how many times have i looked at photos from your past, wishing I was there beside you, wishing that instead of him, it was me… how many times have I woken up in the middle of the night because I dreamed you were in the arms of someone else, that you were kissing someone else…

I’m sorry for this, I know you meant nothing bad when you talked about your past… I just didn’t realize it would hurt me as much as it does now… but I cannot do anything about it now, other than embracing the pain, and think about what I can do to make you forget about them, and to love you the way you deserve to be loved… to love you like they have never done in the past… i love you, and that will never change… i just need some time to take this all in, and to let it all out…